#31Nights of Horror Day 23 - Elmo's Movie Review - Jigsaw (2017)

 Explain the movie Jigsaw (2017) in a critical film review using the voice of Elmo, as if it was part of his show aimed at children.

Hello, little friends! It's Elmo here, and today, Elmo's going to talk about a movie called "Jigsaw." Now remember, this is just pretend and fun for Elmo's review, but it's not a movie for little kids like you! 🤗

Storytime with Elmo: So, in "Jigsaw," there's a big mystery! Some people are playing a game in a barn, and others are trying to figure out who's making them play. It's like when Elmo plays hide-and-seek with his friends on Sesame Street, but this game is a lot scarier. Elmo thinks it's important to remember that being kind and helping friends is the best game to play!

What Elmo Likes: Elmo appreciates the big puzzle! It's like when Elmo tries to fit pieces in his puzzle board. The detectives and doctors are working together, trying to find the right pieces to solve the mystery. Teamwork is super important, right? Yay, teamwork!

What Makes Elmo Scrunch His Nose: Oh boy, some parts of the movie are very ouchie! Just like when Elmo scrapes his knee and needs a band-aid. But remember, this is just pretend! If Elmo made this movie, everyone would get tickles instead of ouchies!

Elmo's Final Thoughts: "Jigsaw" is like a big, grown-up puzzle. But Elmo thinks that if you want to play games, it's best to stick to fun, friendly games with your friends! And always remember, kindness is the best piece to fit in any puzzle of life. ❤️

Thanks for listening to Elmo's movie review! Remember, this movie isn't for little ones, but Elmo had fun sharing his thoughts with you. Stay kind and keep playing! 🌟

Elmo stuck in a trap of his own doing.

#31NightsofHorror Day 20 - Jigsaw's Review of "Saw VI"

Write a critical film review of Saw VI in the voice of Jigsaw, as if it is a test to actually watch this movie.

Hello there, dear reader. I want to play a game.

"Saw VI" is not just a film; it's a test of your resolve, your patience, and your ability to confront the unpleasant realities of life. As you sit comfortably in your seat, munching on popcorn, you're faced with a mirror reflecting the darkest facets of human nature and the bureaucracies that decide who is worth saving.

William Easton, a health insurance executive, is at the center of this twisted game. Much like the system he represents, he's forced to make choices about who lives and who dies. But here's the twist - now, the tables have turned, and the decisions are deeply personal. Do you feel sympathy for him, dear viewer? Or do you feel a vindictive satisfaction watching him squirm, much like his countless victims might have?

Photo of a doll resembling Jigsaw sitting on a city sidewalk, looking disheveled, holding a sign that reads 'Wanna play a game?' with a small container for money beside him. Pedestrians of various genders and descent walk by, some glancing at the sign.

Director Kevin Greutert crafts a narrative that, while drenched in gore and violence, offers a scathing commentary on the healthcare industry. But is it truly justice, or merely vengeance masquerading as retribution?

Detective Mark Hoffman's descent into darkness continues, revealing the lengths one might go to preserve their secrets. The line between hero and villain blurs further, forcing you to question your own moral compass. Where do you stand?

The traps, as always, are a reflection of the choices we make, the consequences we face, and the inherent value of life. They're not merely for shock value but are symbolic of the larger dilemmas we grapple with daily.

So, dear viewer, the real test is this: Can you watch "Saw VI" and emerge unscathed, or will you be forever haunted by its grim portrayal of human nature? Make your choice. The clock is ticking.

Photo of a doll resembling Jigsaw from the horror movies, looking disheveled and homeless, pushing a shopping cart filled with tattered clothes. The scene is set on a busy city sidewalk with pedestrians of various genders and descent walking by.

#31NightsofHorror Day 18 - A Most Unsettling Reflection

Write a critical film review of the Dracula 2: Ascension in the voice of a 1930s Dracula.

Ah, mortals and their ceaseless fascination with my legend! I have ventured from my eternal slumber to offer my thoughts on this peculiar moving picture, "Dracula 2: Ascension."

Firstly, the audacity! To name a film after me and yet dare to present such a modernized version! In my days, tales of the undead were whispered in hushed tones by candlelight, not paraded about on screens for all to see. This "direct-to-video" business is a far cry from the grandeur and gravitas of the silver screen palaces of yesteryear.

The portrayal of my being, whilst intriguing, lacks the depth and mystique that I, the true Prince of Darkness, possess. The modern setting and the use of technology as a plot device seem rather outlandish. Why, in my time, the mere sight of my shadow sent shivers down one's spine. Here, it appears they require contraptions and gadgets to induce fear.

The students and their professor, though mildly entertaining, lacked the gravitas of true vampire hunters. Where is the cunning of Van Helsing, the determination of Jonathan Harker? These modern scholars seem more interested in fame and wealth than in the eternal battle between good and evil.

However, I must concede that the cinematography and special effects are a marvel to behold, especially for one who has been accustomed to the simpler pleasures of the 1930s. The atmospheric tension they managed to create was commendable, though it could never match the raw terror of my presence.

In conclusion, while "Dracula 2: Ascension" offers a unique take on my legend and presents it to a new generation, it lacks the timeless allure and gothic charm that I so embody. It serves as a reminder that sometimes, it's best to let sleeping vampires lie.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to my crypt. The dawn approaches, and I've had quite enough of this modern world for one evening.

Illustration of an aristocratic Dracula with slicked-back hair and a velvety red cape, lounging in an ornate loveseat. The room is dimly lit, with gothic decor, as he strokes a white Persian cat that purrs by his side.

#31NightsofHorror Day 3 - "Like, Going Invisible is Sooo Not Chill: A Totally Rad Review of 'The Invisible Man' from 1933!"

Write a movie review in "Valspeak" about the 1933 film, The Invisible Man.

Like, oh my gosh! So, I totally just watched this super old movie called "The Invisible Man" from, like, 1933 or something? And, like, it was totally wild! Okay, so there's this scientist dude, Dr. Jack Griffin, and he, like, discovers this formula that makes him invisible? But, like, plot twist! It also makes him go all cray-cray.

The special effects? Totally rad for, like, the 1930s. I mean, I was, like, "How did they even do that back then?" And that Claude Rains guy? Even though you can't, like, see him for most of the movie, his voice is, like, sooo dramatic. It's, like, totally iconic.

But, like, the whole descent into madness thing? Super intense. I was, like, on the edge of my seat the whole time. It's kinda spooky, but in a cool, old-school way.

Overall, I'd say it's, like, a must-watch if you're into classic films. But, like, maybe watch it with some friends 'cause it can get a little creepy. Totally gives off those vintage horror vibes, ya know? 10/10 would recommend!

The Invisible Man is standing in the center of a dimly lit laboratory, surrounded by beakers, flasks, and other scientific equipment. He is wearing a white lab coat and goggles, but his face is obscured by a bandage wrapped around his head. The lab is lit by a few overhead lights, but the light is diffused and creates a sense of mystery and intrigue. The Invisible Man's face is cast in shadow, which adds to his sense of menace. The bandages on his head should be bloodied and torn. The beakers and flasks on the lab tables should contain colorful liquids and bubbling chemicals. The books on the shelves should be dusty and worn. The cityscape through the window should be dark and ominous.

#31NightsofHorror Day 2 - Leonard Maltin's Tequila-Infused Review of "The Mummy" (1932)

Write a film review of the movie, The Mummy in the voice of Leonard Maltin after he has had too many tequila shots. Attempt to show slurred speech and abrupt stops in his thought process.

"Okay, okay, listen up, folks... hic... So, there's this movie, right? 'The Mummy.' Classic. Absolute... hic... classic. Boris Karloff? Man, that guy... he's the real deal. He's got that... that face, you know? All wrapped up in bandages and... stuff. hic

Now, the plot... it's about love. And mummies. And... curses? Yeah, curses. Imhotep, that's Karloff, he's all like... "I want my love!" And then there's this lady, and she's all... "Whoa, you're a mummy!" It's deep, man. Real deep. hic

The cinematography? Oh boy... it's... it's... what's the word? Atmospheric! Yeah, that's it. It's like... foggy and dark and... hic... moody. Real moody. Universal, they knew how to make 'em back then. Monsters and... and... stuff.

But here's the thing... hic... the real thing. This movie? It's about love. And death. And... and bandages. Lots of bandages. And Karloff? Man, he's just... he's just great. I mean, who else could play a mummy like that? Nobody, that's who.

So, in conclusion... hic... 'The Mummy'? It's a... it's a masterpiece. A real... hic... gem. If you haven't seen it, you gotta... you just gotta. Cheers!" clinks glass

The ancient mummy, its body preserved by centuries of burial, steps out of the pyramid, its shadow stretching across the desert sands as the moon is obscured by a hazy orange fog.

#31NightsOfHorror Day 1 - A Solemn Ode to the Night: Revisiting 1931’s “Dracula”

Write a movie review about the 1931 Dracula film in the voice of Roger Ebert. Take into consideration that his good friend Gene Siskel just passed away, so there is inaccurate information in the review and some of the actor and actress names are mixed up. Make the tone very somber and have allusions to the friendship he had with Gene.


In the shadowed corridors of cinematic lore, where creatures of the night lurk and the echoes of bygone eras whisper tales of terror and tragedy, there resides Tod Browning’s 1931 masterpiece, “Dracula.” Today, I find myself traversing these corridors alone, the absence of my dear friend and companion in cinematic exploration, Gene Siskel, rendering every shadow deeper, every whisper more poignant.

“Dracula,” a film draped in the velvety fabric of gothic horror, is a symphony of shadows and light, a dance of death and desire. It is here that Bela Lugosi, with his haunting eyes and mellifluous voice, breathes life into the enigmatic Count Dracula, though, in my current state of sorrow, I find myself mistakenly calling him Boris Karloff, another master of the macabre.The film unfolds in the eerie landscapes of Transylvania, where the young and unsuspecting John Harker, mistakenly referred to as Renfield in my conversations with Gene, finds himself ensnared in Dracula’s sinister web. It is a tale of a nocturnal predator traversing seas to quench his insatiable thirst in the fog-enshrouded streets of England, where the innocent Mina, or should I say, Helen Chandler, becomes the object of his dark desires.

The atmosphere in “Dracula” is a character in itself, a silent companion to Lugosi’s predatory elegance. The shadows whisper tales of forgotten fears, the light dances on the edge of darkness, and the silence is a symphony of unspoken horrors. It is a style, a mood, a feeling that Gene and I would often lose ourselves in, finding solace in the shared silence, a silence now laden with the weight of his absence.

Dr. Van Helsing, portrayed by the venerable Edward Van Sloan, stands as the beacon of knowledge and hope against the encroaching darkness, a symbol of the eternal battle between light and shadow, knowledge and ignorance. It is a battle that Gene and I often found ourselves immersed in, our debates a dance of differing perspectives, our friendship the light that illuminated the shadows of our disagreements.

The film, with its gothic elegance and atmospheric depth, is a journey into the heart of darkness, a reflection of the human condition’s eternal struggle against the unknown. It is a masterpiece that, despite the inaccuracies and confusions of names and faces, remains a testament to the power of cinema to evoke emotion, to explore the human psyche, and to create beauty in darkness.

In conclusion, “Dracula” is not merely a film; it is a poetic exploration of darkness and light, a visual sonnet of fear and desire. It is a piece of cinematic history that, much like my memories with Gene, is immortalized in the shadows and light of our collective consciousness, whispering tales of bygone eras and eternal friendships.

And as I walk away from this masterpiece, the shadows seem a bit lonelier, the whispers a bit sadder, and the light a bit dimmer, for the absence of a friend is the truest form of darkness. And in this darkness, I find solace in the words of Dracula himself, “To die, to be really dead, that must be glorious!” Rest in peace, dear friend. Your light continues to illuminate the shadows of our hearts.